Here's the thing, I get pain. Lots of pain. Stupid, dumb, can't be fixed pain. I may have alluded to this before, but I don't think that I have put it in plain writing. I don't usually let myself near a keyboard when I'm going through a rough patch; it's kind of like trying not to call people when you're drunk! But I am starting to realise, you can't just leave the bad stuff out. Part of why we are, as a society, so useless at dealing with our collective and individual problems is because we never talk about them. We're all so hell bent on making our lives be, or at the very least, seem idyllic that we never tell others that actually, "the sh*t hit the fan." How are we supposed to learn how to deal with the curlies life throws at us, if we haven't watched or listened to others' experiences with their own challenges? I'm not saying you should enter into an hour long snivelling confessional with the next phone salesman that calls (ha!), I'm just saying, it's ok to say to say - to someone other than your Mum, partner or bestest friend - "life's a bit challenging at the moment actually."
We all have our teachers in life, each and every one of us has different teachers, but that doesn't mean that we can't learn from each others. Here's (one of) mine:
I live with this thing called fibromyalgia."Live with" is a good phrase because just like a housemate, mostly it's there but sometimes goes away for a bit. If it does go away, you can be pretty sure it's going to come back. Like a sub-par housemate, it's mostly annoying / frustrating but you figure out a way to deal with it; sometimes it's just a plain bitch! Ha. I could go on with the analogy, I'm having fun with this; but I'll spare you.
This week FMS (fibromyalgia syndrome) forced me to stop working for "an indefinite period of time". My pain levels recently escalated, for no apparent reason and I couldn't get through a day at work (and I was only doing 2 a week) without significant compromise; either to my work or my health. I had been doing so well, I just didn't see this one coming. I was desperate for there to be something else going on, something that was treatable: a virus, hormonal causes, vitamin deficiency, anything that could be fixed. But my GP patted my hand, looked me in the eye and just said "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." And that was it, I had to give away a job that I love.
So there you go, I'm not sure what happens from here. I do believe that it will work out for the best, in whatever shape or form. It always does. I just hope the interim isn't too sucky!
nb: pretty pictures from my Urban Flower Farm, I am so proud of my midnight scabiosas. What comfort each little poppet brings :-)
I'm not a big party animal generally, even less so when it comes to New Year's. I'm more of the opinion that we should welcome in the new year, in the way we would like it to continue and do something that you love. So no surprises here, I stayed home and played in the garden :-)
I pulled out heaps of things that had gone to seed and grinned at the lovely metaphorical aptness of my actions. Then I set about to make an arrangement from the bounty of my garden. Et voila. My intention was to gift it to the neighbours but then they all disappeared inside and as I had consumed a few G&T's during the process, I deemed myself too tipsy to walk around to their front door. Ha!
Eeek! How did we get here already? It's been 2 months since I last wrote? How ridiculous! It's not like I haven't had things to say, either. In fact, just between you and me, my dears, I quite often write to you in my head. If only all the blog posts I write in my head actually got onto the virtual page!
Oh well, not to worry, or one could turn something enjoyable into a chore and we don't want to do that now do we Lindsey? Hehe...
Enough about what hasn't happened, onto what has:
There was Christmas, obviously. For me, Christmas this year involved a carnival and an unexpected guest. My mother, in her ever enthusiastic and slightly child-like manner decided that this year we should have a Carnivale themed Christmas. Extreme use of colour, costumes and party hats were called for and Mum declared her intention to make a 50m paper chain with which to decorate the entire living / dining area! I am proud to announce that she succeeded too, with a little help from my sister. The linking span was installed Christmas night, after the lunch and the presents and the festivities, Mum wasn't going to leave that 3m un-festooned, even if it was a bit late :-) My contributions were the garishly bright table setting, complete with an outrageous, dahlia sporting, arrangement and a giant wreath of paper tassels. All in all, everything looked quite jolly (in a non-green and red kind of way).
And so, onto the unexpected guest ... a day earlier, my sister and I drove to Bendigo to celebrate Christmas with my dad's family. It was there, that for the first time ever, we met our Grandfather! What? How? You say. No need to go into details, really, it's just one of those silly family stories of estrangement that you hear of. It wasn't a big deal, we just didn't know our paternal grandfather and never expected any different. But I am really happy to say that things changed, for whatever reason, and as a result (without pre-warning!) we met Arthur. Now I know where my nose and that slightly deviant family sense of humor comes from. But what really tickled me, was that Arthur (from now on to be called Pop) is a gardener! I think he was quite taken with the homegrown flowers that I had taken up to my Aunts'. "Larkspur" he said, "I haven't seen larkspur in years." And "These poppies are just like poppies used to be." That made me happy. Here was me thinking that I had come from a family practically void of any gardening talent. In fact, until a couple of months ago, I wouldn't even have considered myself a gardener!
After all the change ups that 2012 has presented, I got to the point where I thought to myself: "If I just do one little market and sell 3 bunches of my special flowers, I'll be happy".
So, I guess we can consider me happy now!
At the last minute, I got the go ahead to have a stall at Sprout Community Market. So we rustled up some bunches and with the help of an enthusiastic friend, found some props, made some signs and tagged up some of my crafts and off we went.
It was a lovely evening and I sold out of flowers (yay!). Nearly all of them went to one eager friend and supporter; I am so very lucky to have these people in my life ... you know who you are :-)
Got lots of good feedback, learnt a lot, we're on the way.
The Urban Flower Farm is starting to become something other than a dream.
Flowers are popping up all over the place and this week, I will pick some bunches to sell.
Looking around today, I have the most immense sense of peace.
I am so goddamn lucky.
And you know what, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. Me, not my plants or my "career" (ah by the way, I don't really have one) or my wardrobe or my financial status ... Me.
This morning my sister and I met with old school friends (also sisters). Over breakfast we all laughed hysterically at how far removed our dreams and lives are from the crazy expectations we had during our teens. As school kids all of us were driven, talented and I hate to say it but we were, whether we like it or not, all "high achievers". I thinks it's fair to say that we have all spent our twenties pulling apart the driven and "high achieving" parts of ourselves; realising somewhere along the way that actually maybe that wasn't "us" per se, it was merely a reaction to our environment. And what's left after all that hard slog is four talented women ... who are happy.
We joked about how my - recently Olympic medal winning - sister should tell our fellow schoolgirls in her address to them this evening, that yesterday she had to empty her piggy bank in order to go get food from the market and no, she doesn't have a job at the moment and actually she's not entirely sure what she's going to do...
I felt really proud of us all :-)
And I felt proud of me, I've figured a lot of stuff out this decade. I reckon I'm on to a good thing, just for now, I feel like I've got it sussed.
I came home to this (from Erin at Floret) and it just reinforced that feeling.
... worth bookmarking for when you start to doubt!
What if money didn't matter? This question keeps me real.
This Watts guy's voice reminds me a lot of Anthony de Mello ... another wise dude worth listening to:
During my yogi days I spent many hours listening to the truth this man speaks.
Hearing his voice again today makes me realise how far I have come.
It also makes me sad, there go some quiet tears for the people who aren't around to see it.
I was planning on being really effusive and enthusiastic. To tell you all about our big weekend at the farm, when we opened Mum's garden to the public and got blown out of the water by all the people who came along!
But it's thursday, I am still in recovery and I've got a headache that feels like a slimy giant is trying to crush my skull and rip my scalp off all at the same time; so I'm not.
Instead here are some pretty pictures of an arrangement I made to decorate the "tea and cake space" over the weekend.
Will write again when I am feeling all expansive and full of love again.